U MADE ME LIVE AGAIN..

On the verge of my end...

i found you there holding me tight...i found u there

Restoring me to life...making me live once again...

making me love like never before...!!

I never thought it would be you... after all we have always been opposite poles over the years..
i never dreamt of you being the most special person in my life....i never ever did imagine that i will love u like anything....

Starting from the beginning...

u became less annoying!

The discussions about the school alumni association formation and reunion just began on fb. U weren’t there in my friend list then...but through friends I came to know about your group on fb...
visiting it and seeing the posts, for the first tym i felt lyk u wr toking sense and I should join in...
And all of us met..on your rooftop...for a meeting...and I felt lyk u r no more dat bad to speak to..I added u on fb...
we started speaking..all official and sensible stuffs...our first letter was approved by school and consecutive meetings were held...i started conversing more with you with the passing tym..you became much less annoying...in fact you became charming gradually..
It was end of June and all of us met at SAINIK...for the first time I noticed you...we clicked pictures...with your new phone....
you edited one of my pics that night... i did love the editing...and yep i finally started feeling u were sweet...
things were going fine...the involvements in alumni work, the friends' get-togethers, flirting with you helped my mind to keep away from the pains i was bearing through months.
For atleast some hours I didn’t use to feel miserable...for some moments i could avoid those irritating phone calls, those heartbreaks and loneliness which turned me reckless and careless..

* * * * *

The nicco park outing...
we kissed each other...!

all of us had a great time out there (especially me) at nicco park..u were looking hot with your goggles on at wetowild...
After a long time i was enjoying..nd i went mad...
but the best part was
when i had to rush..
and u didn’t call me to ask if i reached safely..i was actually angry..and later on we found we were actually expecting calls from each other..

 after dat day I started liking you more..we started talking more...
time flew...the attraction towards you grew stronger..!
And i kissed you....at one of our alumni meetings...stealing a few lonely moments from others..
I must say it was so seductive...i started having butterflies inside...those few seconds were glorious...

******

The most dangerous phase of my life...

and I finally love you...!
It was the midnight of 6^th august 2013. Anurina called me up to open the college site and I saw the most shocking thing of my life. I felt helpless... I felt broken...it was my end...it was not supposed to happen...I wasn’t supposed to face that...
the world around me stopped...the flashbacks of the past six months kept on revolving around my eyes...’the business, the miserable nights soaked in tears, the bunked classes, the insults everything..’
it was just a day before my 20^th birthday..and i decided that I wont survive to see the next day...
it was morning then...I decided to move out and die...but before that I wanted someone to know it
and the last dialled number showed your name...without giving it a second thought I called you up to meet me..
That day without any hesitation or even a hitch I shared all my life’s biggest secrets sorrows with you( I still don’t know how )...
 it wasn’t a lonely place...We weren’t alone...But to me it seemed as if you were only dere to listen to me in this world and I kept on speaking..
And u lent an ear to everything I had to speak... in those 60 minutes you made me believe that things can be started again...there is much left to live...

and from then till now I got you beside me every time I was in need...
for the first time in life somebody cared...for the first time i was more than just an useful thing for somebody...for the first time I didn’t feel lonely...For the first time i saw someone seeing it with my point of view rather than just blaming me...
And then u kissed me again... I still remember 15^th august 2013...u did it so passionately...u made me crazy about you...you took me back to LIFE... it wasn’t just a kiss... it had that amazing power blowing life into a corpse...
for the first time in life someone’s touch didn’t make me hate my body...it made me love my body...
every time you touch something positive flows in...u made me laugh ..u made me giggle..u made me avoid my miserable past...showed me a brighter side of life...
and I fell for you...
Finally i was sure that I LOVE YOU...

You are the one in my life now
in fact U are my LIFE now
I cherish all our moments together...the meetings...the kisses...the way you stare...the way you care...I feel important...I enjoy it...

and now m afraid to lose you...the past few days made me feel u are parting ways with me....

Please don’t do that...you made a dead girl live again....please don’t leave her dying again...she LOVES you and no one else...U are her strength...
she is no more reckless...she is no more careless...she is changed...she is alive...

She knows that you don’t love her but how can she stop loving you...she has to stop living then...
she knows she can’t force you to love her neither can she force herself to stop loving you...
she knows she annoys you...she becomes demanding..And she has no right to do it...but she can’t help it...
may be u r not her but she is yours...with no-one else in her life (if you feel that she still feels for someone else).
All she wants is you to stay with her.
but at the end of it..its your choice to stay or walk away...cuz all she wants is to see you happy...

WITH LOVE,
shri

DANCE AND DRAMA

Being  able to define the little things of the world in one’s own way is the best thing one can do. This earth is full of amazing creations. To observe the little awesome happenings of the nature and to realise how wonderful they can be is amongst the best feelings one can feel...

I have always been creative. I love to depict my feelings in different ways. It helps me connect to the nature. The small sorrows of life appear to vanish when when i find myself indulged with the nature !

I was hardly four when maa took me to a place where there was music and people were moving together in a synchronising way. It seemed as if their gestures defined every word of the song! It was amazing..ohh yes it was a dance class...!! and i joined in!
initially the dance master was tough.. i loved to practice but his scoldings made me dislike him..
but then the stage performance....the mass...the  lights..the stage ! made me love it. In the beginning i was nervous but maa gave me confidence “ go..you can do it!”

And  i did it!

the sound of applauses ..the praisings of people...as a little kid i enjoyed the attention. And gradually i fell in love with the stage. My first love was it...and i owe maa a lot for introducing me to my first love..
i could so beautifully express my feelings through dancing..

Kathak , Bharatnatyam,  rabindra nritya, mordern forms and what not...bending arms to correct degrees, learning mudras, and the weekly practice with the tabla...dance and i became inseparable...from performing shows to winning competitions..i had it all..

Adolescent days were knocking at the door. With passing days i began to get involved in more activities of school and my love for dance grew more...but the other thing which begun to grab my attention was drama. Though in my school we could perform a very few of the plays and we didn’t have a teacher for that...

And with the passing years i became more like a lady...my moves and expressions became more expressive...i was known for dance drama, paintings , elocutions more than academics (though i was equally good in academics those days) now.
But every good era has to come to an end someday..with the increase in involvement in science subjects of class 12 and a few more distractions led to the lesser devotion of time towards my true love...and gradually i left dancing professionally. Dance and drama became secondary things of my life.
later on when all was over and i stayed at home till my admissions in engineering college was finalised..i realised that something was missing in my life...the stage , the lights , the dance , the drama....!

And I felt i would never become part of it again. But after getting into heritage i found everything i couldn’t

even imagine an engineering college can have. Its cultural part was strong unlike many other colleges. Film festivals, drama competition, dance  programmes and everything was there. Though it was tough to make a place among all these rich popular kids but still i cud find some way to join the areas of my interest. The rejection in the dance team due to favourism ( which was clearly visible) disappointed me but drama gave me the place. It gave me the stage back, it gave me my confidence back .
Now i want to perform more...i want to dance ... i miss dancing professionally a lot...

Dance gives me happiness and drama lets me express myself in a complete way...i wanna start it again soon...

Dear dance and drama,

I love u.

after all you are the ones who gave me unconditional happiness through years. You are the ones who are reasons for m alive. Afterall u are the ones who never gonna leave me..as you are within me...

with love,

shri

SWEET MEMORIES HURT MORE!

Most of my blogs are related to my memories of past...
Though i am only nineteen and there is a lot to happen ahead but the things which are occurring or are going to be occurred are all consequences of my past..!
People learn from their mistakes but i don't!
And when I am alone I keep going back to the sweet incidents and times which have already passed ! Visiting the past makes me happy ..
conversations throughout 5 years...they are all i have!

"i miss u....

i miss u too...
u are my bestest friend...can't live without toking to you..
i love you...i love you too..
its being tooo much..you repeat the same old story everyday...
don't wanna tok to you go tok to ur other friends...bye!
bye!..

* * *
tried but couldn't live without toking to you..
u are an addiction..
missed me eh??
a lot....
awww same here baby..!!
no matter wot happens your place won't be shared with anyone.. ever!"

and a thousand more conversations...(and a bright idiotic smile on my round face glows)

and then the sudden realization that the past is no more..it hurts a million times more ..it breaks me down..tears me apart.....those faded pictures of the past scroll over my mind...

i see my friends preoccupied with someone else..not necessarily boyfriends but someone with whom they can share everything to..someone they call a best friend........
and no i am not jealous!!!
but yes m hurt...there were days when i had you...there were days when every moment of my life was known to you...there were times when it used to pain u more when i had a cut....there were days when we were happy!

at times wonder why can't we forget a certain things!.
why our brain ain't a memory chip from where data can be deleted...??
deleting a five long years from the life ain't easy but i badly need to..
as these flashbacks are poisonous..
these are killing me....

Why I am the only one destined to suffer like this?

And hence I give up to life...it has won...it has finally taught me that 
no i can't have a true love..neither do i deserve a true friend'
friends are not to stay forever no matter how much close to you they are for a certain span of time they will eventually move away'

so life thanks for teaching me..though in harsh way..And now on i will be following your lesson...   

 love will just be another abstract noun..... 

friends will be momentary...... 

bondings wont exist.....

 relations would be superficial.... 

#timetogrowstrong..!

I NEVER WANTED TO INTERFERE!

u are my love...u were my bestfriend..u are my everything..
may be the bonding of friendship is weakening or has weakened!
u no more long for me....
you have got your person to share...
but what about me??? I am alone and I need you!
still i somehow resist myself from talking to you.......
i miss you each day..it intensifies when i am alone..you are 24X7 in my mind..but i can’t even express..
 you are the one to whom i used to express!! I manage to bear the pain..

but then again you call me...I don’t answer!
u call again and again...I disconnect!
u text me..I don’t reply!

u text me again..” I MISS YOU..HAVE U FORGOTTEN ME?? Y AREN’T YOU REPLYING??LOOK ITS YOU WHO DOESNT  REPLY..SEEMS LIKE IT DOESN’T BOTHER YOU ANY MORE”
and this time being unable to resist i call you up...breaking all my resolution...fighting a thousand fights with my own self!!

I know u have a girlfriend. And I know my limits... I ne’er interfere with you guys’ life..rather I like to stay away... I know you won’t ever love me...I know u remain happy with her
And that’s all i have ever wanted... I remain happy with our memories..they are enough for a lifetime!
And   then one fine they she reads our texts....!! she howls on you (“why the hell does she call you??”)...she curses me (“she won’t ever be happy in her life”)
but  that hardly bothers me...i never lose the temper to whatever she does..because i know i am true in my place

And then you call ..i break into pieces again ....

You:WHY THE HELL DID YOU TEXT ME  WHEN SHE WAS CHECKING MY PROFILE?? WHY THE HELL DID YOU TEXT ME WHEN I WAS WID HER...

You: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HUGE A BLUNDER YOU MADE?? SHE IS HOWLING AT   MEE...

(you yell..)

Me: bu....but..I didn’t know it was her..nor did I send a sort of text which could evoke her.

(i tell astonishingly..trying to get what actually might have occurred)

You: yeah yeah how will you know?? U FOOL... you have ruined everything...

Me: but i didn’t say anything of that sort which could enrage her...!

You: enough of it..BYE!

TEARS ARE ALL AROUND! I WAS STRONG BUT EVERYTIME YOU INSULT..A PART OF ME DIES!

I DIE OUNCE BY OUNCE...YOU TREAT ME AS A KEEP...FROM A POSITION OF A BESTFRIEND, A LOVER...I AM A KEEP NOW..

BUT  I ACCEPT IT! ATLEAST  YOU MISS ME ONCE IN EVERY 3 WEEKS!

but i swear i never wanted to interfere....i still want you to be happy...

afterall..I will LOVE YOU forever...!!

You were never mine

They say couples are made in heaven...there is someone for each one of us somewhere on this earth,
a perfect match for every single person is there in some corner of this world.
A perfect match they say... in every terms-height, weight ,looks, family background, thinking, feelings, and everything else.
But is it necessary to maintain each and every criteria mentioned above and then love someone??
ain't it a compromise?? Aren't we being mean? Aren't we cheating with our own feelings?
But not in my case...mine was, still is and always will be an unconditional love for you. People say he is no match for you! you say you are no match for me!
But I long for you. You are the one I have always loved.
You say you don't love me. But I do. I knew it was more than friendship...you said it was more than friendship...but u never accepted it was  love!
I know it was love! what else cud those endless Skype calls , facebook chats, phone calls mean?.

I have shared a life with you. You are the witness to my anger, my love, my sorrows, my tears, and some most secret parts of my life!
 I threw my anger over you, I cried, I shared my insecurities, I showed my jealousy, I shared my weaknesses.. I shared it unconditionally, I shared it selflessly, I wanted to be close to you... I was close to you!
I have always wanted you to share your life. Not because I love you but because I thought u at least took me as your friend.
But u never did. You were never open to me. Though I always felt your pain, the pain of losing her ,the pain of losing so much in life, I couldn't express as u never let me! Each thing that hurts you hurts me more than words can say. I can feel your pain sitting miles away from you but is unable to show you! You say "how much do you know bout me? have I shared anything with you ever?"
but I say you don't need to share..I can feel it..I can understand!

And I never knew I was being an extra burden to you. Maintaining our friendship went difficult for you! and you decided to leave..leaving me alone!!!
I wont blame you for this...may be you think the same way about us like others think or may be you never thought me to be close! May be it wont affect your life much...as ours was a virtual relation...a few phone calls , Skype videos doesn't mean much to life! We hardly met!

And like the rest of the world I do accept...
You were never mine...and will never be mine.......
but our memories are mine...those sweet chat memories...fights over the phone and shares of your time are mine and will always be! I lived them...they are mine and solely MINE!

 

am I confused?....but until when??? broken pieces still remain broken!

I claim to be strong...I "try" to stand up again...
these trials have remained trials since the first time I tried!
I pity on myself everyday...I regret every single moment of my life.....
I have questions with myself and thus I have doubts on everyone!
I accept it I don't trust anyone completely except for maa...but still cant share everything to her!
her daughter has committed big mistakes...which she wouldn't be able to take on ever!

my decisions are never mine...decision of studying in heritage is also an influenced one!
Each time I lose ..I  regret! I make a promise to myself...that I will keep my dignity and I will improve but I don't.
an under-performer is what I am...I always have dat so called "potential"  which never gets executed
and still I get satisfied with what I have...the urge for more is dying in me!
I pretend ..I pretend to be happy each and every moment....which is actually not the reality!

I am dissatisfied...with myself and with rest of the world....
I complain that nobody has ever loved me truly...
but have I ever respected and loved myself really!
I got influenced in every possible way...I got carried away...
but can I love anyone..? do I deserve to be loved?
and I don't have the answer
since I do not stick to my decisions ever!
in every aspect of my life ..I am an under-performer!
I am not a good lover ,not a good scholar and not even a good human being(though I try to b one )

lastly I am selfish ...I cant bear loneliness...it kills!
but m again a loser over here! people leave me! they misuse or misunderstand! I have a bad behaviour... i don't know the ways to express things! I love him...but he has correctly shown me the reasons of not loving me! ..I have complaints ,I talk about me and m selfish...
oh yes I can think only about myself! but after analysing I found I cudnt even do dat properly!

I am still confused about why did I write this!
but there is only one thing which i want without any confusion!
I want everyone to be happy...I want me to be happy...
I cant bear pain...cant c anyone to bear it!