A branded heart!!

Most of us the "social-beings" think that money is the solution to every problem but we fail to realise money can buy everything but a soul or happiness.
And that doesn't mean I don't like to dream big. I do have my own goals and aspirations. And some places in Kolkata really instills the faith of achieving those goals. A few of those places are the Middleton Row and the Park Street Area. Ever since I visited the place (not much time ago) I fell in love with it. It is one of the richest areas of the city with all big offices, famous restaurants, the church, the haunted cemetery and my favourite The Oxford Bookstore-where I love to spend hours reading books while sipping my Afogato drink. The place always invigorates me to see huge dreams of being really successful in life.
But this afternoon was a bit different. I was walking past Peter Cat  towards Au Bon Pain  when I saw a young man with steel colored suit, branded sunglasses and shoes and two guards accompanying him. The first sight was awesome as he walked through the street but that followed a small kid who was selling balloons eagerly following this man to sell his goods.
I still remember the very first day I visited park street  with my sister in the Christmas eve and we were taking selfies on the well lit pavement in front of Au Bon Pain when a little girl came to us for selling balloons and kept on requesting us to buy one. We finally gave in and took one. Later on she clicked a nice photo of me and didi and I took a selfie with her. I also clicked a snap with the kid wearing disco-goggles(goggles with l.e.d lights) who was selling Christmas caps for 15 bucks! Such a wonderful time it was. I realised these little happy moments make life worth living.
Now coming back to today's story, The man was first reluctant to take the balloons and that is quite justified. Why would he take'em when he doesn't need them. But the next moment was he took a huge note( it was some 100 or 500 bucks i clearly did not notice) out of his sleek black wallet and shoved into the little kid's hands to get rid of him.
How I wished he would tell him politely that he didn't need one or may be scold him for being nagging. But the incident that happened today really broke my heart. It again showed that when a man reaches success he becomes arrogant.
The poverty stricken child took the money instantly and slid it into his shirt's pocket but he lacked the bright smile which would have spread over his face had the man taken a balloon with a mere 15 bucks. May be somewhere the little kid's self-respect was hurt today and not only today but  may be a lot number of times his little self-respect has been injured by the like-minded people of the 'elite-class'. And as he grows up, probably  a day will come when there will no-more of the self -esteem left in him. It will be buried deep beneath the layers of hunger, illiteracy and arrogance of  the "higher-class".
I feel deep pain to see a huge -quota of our wonderful tomorrow going astray and we all are contributing to this.
And the questions ramble my mind?
Is this what we become rich for?  Do these branded clothed people never have a heart? Why the number of morally good people diminishing at G.P rate?
And these questions make me even more determined to be achieve the best in life. To see whether I become the same after achieving the peak ( and I know I'll not)  and if I still continue to be this me then to bring about atleast some change to the world for good. With this broken heart but ever- shining hope I wish to be triumphant, to have a branded heart, I wish to be infinite !

the li'l girl and me on the christmas eve!

tu dil tu yon jaan meri

These days I am listening to that same old song over and over. Nights have been sleepless. I never usually stay awake till late if I have no work. But last 2-3 days were unusual. I stayed till late out of nothing and kept going back to the time I left 5 months ago. The time with which I got completely detached with in due course of time (i thought). I know its normal having flashbacks but this frequent and so suddenly was unusual.

People have spoken many a times about him in these 5 months and I have ignored bluntly. Tried not to think about his facts and got succeeded somehow.  whenever I thought about my memories ( the apparently sweet ones)  that followed the images of the way I used to get hit by his cheating, his insults and his comments. The neutralization effect allowed me to sleep at nights.

But this time it was different nothing could divert my mind away from him, in fact I started visiting that old  folder(saved in some drive of my pc)which had no affect on me anymore.

 It was Saturday morning, I was fresh and had almost forgotten what all happened last night when my friend called me up to  discuss about some work stuffs and in the flow of his talk I got to know that the "once-upon-a-time-important-person-in my-life" was out of town but I as usual ignored.

Later during the day tremors of earthquake in Nepal were felt in India. And ofcourse in many parts of bengal the affect was significant more importantly in northern parts. The whole day I got engrossed in view the damages in the Nepal and also doing other stuffs. Then it was Sunday and newspapers flooded with pictures of  earthquake affected areas of Nepal and I was upset at their loss. After the whole day it was during the night when I saw the amount of damage that occurred in Siliguri and  Darjeeling when the pictures of CM visiting the hospitals were uploaded.

A shock -wave flowed through my mind as I remembered he visits some hill stations every summer and last time he was in darjeeling. Weird thoughts spread through my mind like 'where he might has gone?' or 'is he safe?' 

The heart-beat rate ran faster. The heart wanted nothing but one news that he is safe (deep inside it believed he was but it needed assurance) and i had to wait till the day. The next  was busy and the phone was malfunctioning but by the evening I managed to takeout the information that he was in bangalore and phew..!! I could now understand  what was that feeling all about and I could resume back to my normality. 

This small but significant incident made me realise that some things are indelible but also they shouldnt be let interfere with the ongoing times!

truely said..

 some feelings are inexpressible..they can just be felt!

sharing the lyrics of the somg which kept on playing as I wrote this piece

the song which was our  favorite!

Ve changa nahion keeta beeba

Ve changa nahion keeta beeba

Dil mera tod ke

Ve bada pachhtaiyaan akhaan

Ve bada pachhtaiyaan akhaan

Naal tere jod ke

Tenu chadd ke kitthe jawan

Tu mera parchhanvaa

Tere mukhde vich hi main taan

Rab nu apne pawaan

Meri duaa.. haaye

Sajda tera kardi sadaa

Tu sun iqraar mera

Main karoon intezar tera

Tu dil tui-yon jaan meri

Main tainu samjhawan ki

Na tere bina lagda jee......!

WINTERS and HER..

Christmas lights and presents..The New Years celebration....winters were the seasons of celebrations.
She has been always having a lonely winters though, and used to celebrate with a few family members every year.
This year it was special.. for he was with her...for this year she got someone to hold as each of her friends had every year...
Watching her friends with their ones and herself being a loner sucked. This was another reason why she never used to move out with friends on a New Years apart from her dislike of being in over crowded parties. But this New Year was different.
She finally got someone to get indulged with she thought. Someone was there now to hold her, someone she could call as hers, only hers. She felt like a dream come true.
It was a lonely house with tiny flickering lights and candles all around. It was cold and
snowing heavily outside. Her family had moved outside to attend a New Year's party while she stayed at home.

He wrapped her in his arms and comforted her. And started kissing her passionately. Then slowly he explored her body (he already did that with her mind making her crazy for him). It was so safe to be with him, even the pains were apparently sweet..she thought.
But for him she was just another girl and he was having a good New Year's treat. He was fulfilling his basic needs of sex. He was enjoying his youth for that was the most important thing to him but she failed to know.
All of a sudden a thousand thoughts flushed her mind. The thought of their wedding, the thought of having babies, the thought of nurturing them and growing old together all hovered over her mind. For she didn't know that he had no such plans. For she believed in him more than herself. For she had the confidence that eventually he will be hers. For she believed her love would conquer all odds. For she was a fool to think of her ever miserable life turning to be a fairytale.
After spending the day with her, making her confident that he is gonna be with her,he left.
She fell for the most practical guy she has seen in her life... But she never thought he would turn out to be a total insensitive human being the very second day of the new year. Suddenly it appeared as if everything was false.
She was abandoned at the midway of the road... he left her alone amidst the lonely streets of London.
It felt cold, it felt lonely, she was frozen for the only person in her life left without a reason. At once her dreams were shattered for their moments were a lie to him. All her thoughts and her feelings went untrue...
Winters have shown its colour again..and this time in a harsh way... Her lonely winters went lonelier...
and this time FOREVER... for she decided she would never hold anyone's hand again...

U MADE ME LIVE AGAIN..

On the verge of my end...

i found you there holding me tight...i found u there

Restoring me to life...making me live once again...

making me love like never before...!!

I never thought it would be you... after all we have always been opposite poles over the years..
i never dreamt of you being the most special person in my life....i never ever did imagine that i will love u like anything....

Starting from the beginning...

u became less annoying!

The discussions about the school alumni association formation and reunion just began on fb. U weren’t there in my friend list then...but through friends I came to know about your group on fb...
visiting it and seeing the posts, for the first tym i felt lyk u wr toking sense and I should join in...
And all of us met..on your rooftop...for a meeting...and I felt lyk u r no more dat bad to speak to..I added u on fb...
we started speaking..all official and sensible stuffs...our first letter was approved by school and consecutive meetings were held...i started conversing more with you with the passing tym..you became much less annoying...in fact you became charming gradually..
It was end of June and all of us met at SAINIK...for the first time I noticed you...we clicked pictures...with your new phone....
you edited one of my pics that night... i did love the editing...and yep i finally started feeling u were sweet...
things were going fine...the involvements in alumni work, the friends' get-togethers, flirting with you helped my mind to keep away from the pains i was bearing through months.
For atleast some hours I didn’t use to feel miserable...for some moments i could avoid those irritating phone calls, those heartbreaks and loneliness which turned me reckless and careless..

* * * * *

The nicco park outing...
we kissed each other...!

all of us had a great time out there (especially me) at nicco park..u were looking hot with your goggles on at wetowild...
After a long time i was enjoying..nd i went mad...
but the best part was
when i had to rush..
and u didn’t call me to ask if i reached safely..i was actually angry..and later on we found we were actually expecting calls from each other..

 after dat day I started liking you more..we started talking more...
time flew...the attraction towards you grew stronger..!
And i kissed you....at one of our alumni meetings...stealing a few lonely moments from others..
I must say it was so seductive...i started having butterflies inside...those few seconds were glorious...

******

The most dangerous phase of my life...

and I finally love you...!
It was the midnight of 6^th august 2013. Anurina called me up to open the college site and I saw the most shocking thing of my life. I felt helpless... I felt broken...it was my end...it was not supposed to happen...I wasn’t supposed to face that...
the world around me stopped...the flashbacks of the past six months kept on revolving around my eyes...’the business, the miserable nights soaked in tears, the bunked classes, the insults everything..’
it was just a day before my 20^th birthday..and i decided that I wont survive to see the next day...
it was morning then...I decided to move out and die...but before that I wanted someone to know it
and the last dialled number showed your name...without giving it a second thought I called you up to meet me..
That day without any hesitation or even a hitch I shared all my life’s biggest secrets sorrows with you( I still don’t know how )...
 it wasn’t a lonely place...We weren’t alone...But to me it seemed as if you were only dere to listen to me in this world and I kept on speaking..
And u lent an ear to everything I had to speak... in those 60 minutes you made me believe that things can be started again...there is much left to live...

and from then till now I got you beside me every time I was in need...
for the first time in life somebody cared...for the first time i was more than just an useful thing for somebody...for the first time I didn’t feel lonely...For the first time i saw someone seeing it with my point of view rather than just blaming me...
And then u kissed me again... I still remember 15^th august 2013...u did it so passionately...u made me crazy about you...you took me back to LIFE... it wasn’t just a kiss... it had that amazing power blowing life into a corpse...
for the first time in life someone’s touch didn’t make me hate my body...it made me love my body...
every time you touch something positive flows in...u made me laugh ..u made me giggle..u made me avoid my miserable past...showed me a brighter side of life...
and I fell for you...
Finally i was sure that I LOVE YOU...

You are the one in my life now
in fact U are my LIFE now
I cherish all our moments together...the meetings...the kisses...the way you stare...the way you care...I feel important...I enjoy it...

and now m afraid to lose you...the past few days made me feel u are parting ways with me....

Please don’t do that...you made a dead girl live again....please don’t leave her dying again...she LOVES you and no one else...U are her strength...
she is no more reckless...she is no more careless...she is changed...she is alive...

She knows that you don’t love her but how can she stop loving you...she has to stop living then...
she knows she can’t force you to love her neither can she force herself to stop loving you...
she knows she annoys you...she becomes demanding..And she has no right to do it...but she can’t help it...
may be u r not her but she is yours...with no-one else in her life (if you feel that she still feels for someone else).
All she wants is you to stay with her.
but at the end of it..its your choice to stay or walk away...cuz all she wants is to see you happy...

WITH LOVE,
shri

DANCE AND DRAMA

Being  able to define the little things of the world in one’s own way is the best thing one can do. This earth is full of amazing creations. To observe the little awesome happenings of the nature and to realise how wonderful they can be is amongst the best feelings one can feel...

I have always been creative. I love to depict my feelings in different ways. It helps me connect to the nature. The small sorrows of life appear to vanish when when i find myself indulged with the nature !

I was hardly four when maa took me to a place where there was music and people were moving together in a synchronising way. It seemed as if their gestures defined every word of the song! It was amazing..ohh yes it was a dance class...!! and i joined in!
initially the dance master was tough.. i loved to practice but his scoldings made me dislike him..
but then the stage performance....the mass...the  lights..the stage ! made me love it. In the beginning i was nervous but maa gave me confidence “ go..you can do it!”

And  i did it!

the sound of applauses ..the praisings of people...as a little kid i enjoyed the attention. And gradually i fell in love with the stage. My first love was it...and i owe maa a lot for introducing me to my first love..
i could so beautifully express my feelings through dancing..

Kathak , Bharatnatyam,  rabindra nritya, mordern forms and what not...bending arms to correct degrees, learning mudras, and the weekly practice with the tabla...dance and i became inseparable...from performing shows to winning competitions..i had it all..

Adolescent days were knocking at the door. With passing days i began to get involved in more activities of school and my love for dance grew more...but the other thing which begun to grab my attention was drama. Though in my school we could perform a very few of the plays and we didn’t have a teacher for that...

And with the passing years i became more like a lady...my moves and expressions became more expressive...i was known for dance drama, paintings , elocutions more than academics (though i was equally good in academics those days) now.
But every good era has to come to an end someday..with the increase in involvement in science subjects of class 12 and a few more distractions led to the lesser devotion of time towards my true love...and gradually i left dancing professionally. Dance and drama became secondary things of my life.
later on when all was over and i stayed at home till my admissions in engineering college was finalised..i realised that something was missing in my life...the stage , the lights , the dance , the drama....!

And I felt i would never become part of it again. But after getting into heritage i found everything i couldn’t

even imagine an engineering college can have. Its cultural part was strong unlike many other colleges. Film festivals, drama competition, dance  programmes and everything was there. Though it was tough to make a place among all these rich popular kids but still i cud find some way to join the areas of my interest. The rejection in the dance team due to favourism ( which was clearly visible) disappointed me but drama gave me the place. It gave me the stage back, it gave me my confidence back .
Now i want to perform more...i want to dance ... i miss dancing professionally a lot...

Dance gives me happiness and drama lets me express myself in a complete way...i wanna start it again soon...

Dear dance and drama,

I love u.

after all you are the ones who gave me unconditional happiness through years. You are the ones who are reasons for m alive. Afterall u are the ones who never gonna leave me..as you are within me...

with love,

shri

SWEET MEMORIES HURT MORE!

Most of my blogs are related to my memories of past...
Though i am only nineteen and there is a lot to happen ahead but the things which are occurring or are going to be occurred are all consequences of my past..!
People learn from their mistakes but i don't!
And when I am alone I keep going back to the sweet incidents and times which have already passed ! Visiting the past makes me happy ..
conversations throughout 5 years...they are all i have!

"i miss u....

i miss u too...
u are my bestest friend...can't live without toking to you..
i love you...i love you too..
its being tooo much..you repeat the same old story everyday...
don't wanna tok to you go tok to ur other friends...bye!
bye!..

* * *
tried but couldn't live without toking to you..
u are an addiction..
missed me eh??
a lot....
awww same here baby..!!
no matter wot happens your place won't be shared with anyone.. ever!"

and a thousand more conversations...(and a bright idiotic smile on my round face glows)

and then the sudden realization that the past is no more..it hurts a million times more ..it breaks me down..tears me apart.....those faded pictures of the past scroll over my mind...

i see my friends preoccupied with someone else..not necessarily boyfriends but someone with whom they can share everything to..someone they call a best friend........
and no i am not jealous!!!
but yes m hurt...there were days when i had you...there were days when every moment of my life was known to you...there were times when it used to pain u more when i had a cut....there were days when we were happy!

at times wonder why can't we forget a certain things!.
why our brain ain't a memory chip from where data can be deleted...??
deleting a five long years from the life ain't easy but i badly need to..
as these flashbacks are poisonous..
these are killing me....

Why I am the only one destined to suffer like this?

And hence I give up to life...it has won...it has finally taught me that 
no i can't have a true love..neither do i deserve a true friend'
friends are not to stay forever no matter how much close to you they are for a certain span of time they will eventually move away'

so life thanks for teaching me..though in harsh way..And now on i will be following your lesson...   

 love will just be another abstract noun..... 

friends will be momentary...... 

bondings wont exist.....

 relations would be superficial.... 

#timetogrowstrong..!

I NEVER WANTED TO INTERFERE!

u are my love...u were my bestfriend..u are my everything..
may be the bonding of friendship is weakening or has weakened!
u no more long for me....
you have got your person to share...
but what about me??? I am alone and I need you!
still i somehow resist myself from talking to you.......
i miss you each day..it intensifies when i am alone..you are 24X7 in my mind..but i can’t even express..
 you are the one to whom i used to express!! I manage to bear the pain..

but then again you call me...I don’t answer!
u call again and again...I disconnect!
u text me..I don’t reply!

u text me again..” I MISS YOU..HAVE U FORGOTTEN ME?? Y AREN’T YOU REPLYING??LOOK ITS YOU WHO DOESNT  REPLY..SEEMS LIKE IT DOESN’T BOTHER YOU ANY MORE”
and this time being unable to resist i call you up...breaking all my resolution...fighting a thousand fights with my own self!!

I know u have a girlfriend. And I know my limits... I ne’er interfere with you guys’ life..rather I like to stay away... I know you won’t ever love me...I know u remain happy with her
And that’s all i have ever wanted... I remain happy with our memories..they are enough for a lifetime!
And   then one fine they she reads our texts....!! she howls on you (“why the hell does she call you??”)...she curses me (“she won’t ever be happy in her life”)
but  that hardly bothers me...i never lose the temper to whatever she does..because i know i am true in my place

And then you call ..i break into pieces again ....

You:WHY THE HELL DID YOU TEXT ME  WHEN SHE WAS CHECKING MY PROFILE?? WHY THE HELL DID YOU TEXT ME WHEN I WAS WID HER...

You: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HUGE A BLUNDER YOU MADE?? SHE IS HOWLING AT   MEE...

(you yell..)

Me: bu....but..I didn’t know it was her..nor did I send a sort of text which could evoke her.

(i tell astonishingly..trying to get what actually might have occurred)

You: yeah yeah how will you know?? U FOOL... you have ruined everything...

Me: but i didn’t say anything of that sort which could enrage her...!

You: enough of it..BYE!

TEARS ARE ALL AROUND! I WAS STRONG BUT EVERYTIME YOU INSULT..A PART OF ME DIES!

I DIE OUNCE BY OUNCE...YOU TREAT ME AS A KEEP...FROM A POSITION OF A BESTFRIEND, A LOVER...I AM A KEEP NOW..

BUT  I ACCEPT IT! ATLEAST  YOU MISS ME ONCE IN EVERY 3 WEEKS!

but i swear i never wanted to interfere....i still want you to be happy...

afterall..I will LOVE YOU forever...!!