About Me

My photo
here to share some parts of my life...some parts of me and my ne'er say die attitude..!!!! i love my life..my family and myself..

Sunday, April 7, 2013

You were never mine

They say couples are made in heaven...there is someone for each one of us somewhere on this earth,
a perfect match for every single person is there in some corner of this world.
A perfect match they say... in every terms-height, weight ,looks, family background, thinking, feelings, and everything else.
But is it necessary to maintain each and every criteria mentioned above and then love someone??
ain't it a compromise?? Aren't we being mean? Aren't we cheating with our own feelings?
But not in my case...mine was, still is and always will be an unconditional love for you. People say he is no match for you! you say you are no match for me!
But I long for you. You are the one I have always loved.
You say you don't love me. But I do. I knew it was more than friendship...you said it was more than friendship...but u never accepted it was  love!
I know it was love! what else cud those endless Skype calls , facebook chats, phone calls mean?.

I have shared a life with you. You are the witness to my anger, my love, my sorrows, my tears, and some most secret parts of my life!
 I threw my anger over you, I cried, I shared my insecurities, I showed my jealousy, I shared my weaknesses.. I shared it unconditionally, I shared it selflessly, I wanted to be close to you... I was close to you!
I have always wanted you to share your life. Not because I love you but because I thought u at least took me as your friend.
But u never did. You were never open to me. Though I always felt your pain, the pain of losing her ,the pain of losing so much in life, I couldn't express as u never let me! Each thing that hurts you hurts me more than words can say. I can feel your pain sitting miles away from you but is unable to show you! You say "how much do you know bout me? have I shared anything with you ever?"
but I say you don't need to share..I can feel it..I can understand!
And I never knew I was being an extra burden to you. Maintaining our friendship went difficult for you! and you decided to leave..leaving me alone!!!
I wont blame you for this...may be you think the same way about us like others think or may be you never thought me to be close! May be it wont affect your life much...as ours was a virtual relation...a few phone calls , Skype videos doesn't mean much to life! We hardly met!

And like the rest of the world I do accept...
You were never mine...and will never be mine.......
but our memories are mine...those sweet chat memories...fights over the phone and shares of your time are mine and will always be! I lived them...they are mine and solely MINE!

Thursday, April 4, 2013

am I confused?....but until when??? broken pieces still remain broken!

I claim to be strong...I "try" to stand up again...
these trials have remained trials since the first time I tried!
I pity on myself everyday...I regret every single moment of my life.....
I have questions with myself and thus I have doubts on everyone!
I accept it I don't trust anyone completely except for maa...but still cant share everything to her!
her daughter has committed big mistakes...which she wouldn't be able to take on ever!

my decisions are never mine...decision of studying in heritage is also an influenced one!
Each time I lose ..I  regret! I make a promise to myself...that I will keep my dignity and I will improve but I don't.
an under-performer is what I am...I always have dat so called "potential"  which never gets executed
and still I get satisfied with what I have...the urge for more is dying in me!
I pretend ..I pretend to be happy each and every moment....which is actually not the reality!

I am dissatisfied...with myself and with rest of the world....
I complain that nobody has ever loved me truly...
but have I ever respected and loved myself really!
I got influenced in every possible way...I got carried away...
but can I love anyone..? do I deserve to be loved?
and I don't have the answer
since I do not stick to my decisions ever!
in every aspect of my life ..I am an under-performer!
I am not a good lover ,not a good scholar and not even a good human being(though I try to b one )

lastly I am selfish ...I cant bear loneliness...it kills!
but m again a loser over here! people leave me! they misuse or misunderstand! I have a bad behaviour... i don't know the ways to express things! I love him...but he has correctly shown me the reasons of not loving me! ..I have complaints ,I talk about me and m selfish...
oh yes I can think only about myself! but after analysing I found I cudnt even do dat properly!

I am still confused about why did I write this!
but there is only one thing which i want without any confusion!
I want everyone to be happy...I want me to be happy...
I cant bear pain...cant c anyone to bear it!